Brokemac Mountain

via the always fabulous Towleroad

Brokemac Mountain

It Ain't Right

OK, most of you reading this know that I have a strange, twisted, and sick sense of humor... so, in that vein (huh huh, you said vein), I present for your listening enjoyment, Helen Keller Sings The Blues

Today's Joke

If you believe in creation as espoused in the Bible, then Adam and Eve's children would actually have had to have sex with one another for the earth to have become populated.

This is surely proof positive that Alabama was at one time the Garden of Eden.

The Bronze Rat

This came across my email yesterday, though I would share it with y'all

A tourist walked into a Chinese curio shop on Mott Street. While looking around at the exotic merchandise, he noticed a very lifelike, life-sized, bronze statue of a rat. It had no price tag, but was so incredibly striking the tourist decided he simply had to have it.

He took it to the old shop owner and asked, "How much for the bronze rat?" "You have chosen wisely! It is $12 for the rat, $100 for the story," said the old shopkeeper. The tourist quickly pulled out twelve dollars. "I'll just take the rat, you can keep the story."

As he walked down the street carrying his bronze rat, the tourist noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the alleys and sewers and had begun following him down the street. This was a bit disconcerting so he began walking faster. A couple blocks later he looked behind him and saw to his horror the herd of rats behind him had grown to hundreds, and they began squealing. Sweating now, the tourist began to trot west on Canal Street towards the Hudson River.

Again, after a couple blocks, he looked around only to discover that the rats now numbered in the millions, and were squealing and coming toward him faster and faster. Terrified, he ran to the edge of the Hudson and threw the bronze rat as far as he could into the river. Amazingly, the millions of rats all jumped into the river after the bronze rat, and were all drowned. The man walked back to the curio shop in Chinatown.

"Ahhh," said the owner, "You have come back for story?" "No sir," said the man, "I came back to see if you have a bronze Republican."

Today's SpeedBump

from Yahoo!

Laundry Label Calling President an 'Idiot' a Hit

Back on April 5 I posted a link from Boing Boing about a label from a computer bag (or "sleeve") that stated (in French) "We are sorry that our President is an idiot. We didn't vote for him."

Reuters (on Yahoo!) has a story now about the bags and a few quotes from the president of the company making them.

[...]

Tom Bihn, who designs and makes bags for his eponymous company of 10 employees in Port Angeles, a seaside city 60 miles northwest of Seattle, claims he has no idea how the phrase got onto the label, but credits it with doubling bag sales.

"We don't know how it got there," Bihn said in a dead-pan manner.

[...]

"I'm going with the idea that it refers to me, the president of the company," Bihn said, "I do have to say it seems to have struck a chord. A lot of people seem to think that it refers to another president."

The popularity of the bags and interest in the label has also spawned a new product from the company, T-shirts featuring an enlarged version of the label on the front. Profits from these T-shirts are being donated to the Seattle Veterans Center, Bihn said.

The company's products are available at its Web site, www.tombihn.com, its outlet in Port Angeles and its retail store in Seattle.

Old joke, but still funny

A little boy comes down to breakfast since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores.

"Not yet", said the little boy.

His mother tells him he gets no breakfast until he does his chores.

Well, he's a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow, goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.

He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. "How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.

"Well", his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting any milk."

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen.

The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, "Are you going to tell him, or should I?"

Please Forgive Me....

Links via MeFi:

The Scoop on Poop

Why does poop stink?
Poop stinks as a result of the products of bacterial action. Bacteria produce smelly, sulfur- or nitrogen-rich organic compounds such as indole, skatole, and mercaptans, and the inorganic gas hydrogen sulfide. These are the same compounds that give farts their odor.

[...]

[...]

Where do farts go when you hold them in?
How often have you held in a fart, intending to release it at the first appropriate opportunity, only to find that the fart has disappeared when you are ready for it?
I asked several doctors where the fart goes. Does it leak out slowly without the person knowing it? Is it absorbed into the bloodstream? What happens to it?
The doctors agree that the fart is neither released nor absorbed. It simply migrates back upward into the intestine and comes out later.
It is reassuring to know that such farts aren't really lost, just delayed.

[...]

Possum Fur?

stolen from found at die puny humans

Today's "Speed Bump" Cartoon

Football Analyzed...by a blonde

No hate mail, please....it's only a joke (sent to me by my mother, no less!)

Football game analyzed....by a blonde

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had
great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked
her how she liked the experience.

"Oh, I really liked it," she replied "especially the tight pants and all
the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing
each other for 25 cents."

Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"

"Well..." she said, "I saw them flip a coin and one team got it and then
for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the
quarterback! Get the quarterback!' Hel-LLLO...it's only 25 cents! I
hate to think what they'd do if it was a whole DOLLAR?"

Exotic Dancer

Received through email:

Little David was in his 5th grade class when the teacher asked the
children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers
came up; fireman, policeman, salesman, doctor, lawyer, etc. David
was being uncharacteristically quiet, so the teacher asked him about his
father.
"My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret & takes off all his
clothes in front of other men & they put money in his underwear.
Sometimes if the offer's really good, he'll go home with them and makes love
for the money."

The teacher, obsiously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the
other children to work on some exercises & took little David aside to
ask him, "Is that really true about your father?"

"No," said David, "he works for the Bush administration, but I was
too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids."

"See how it sticks to my panties?"

Remeber those films you were shown in junior high school that attempted to pass as information about what was happening to your body as you matured?

Here's the film the girls got to see.

My favorite lines:
"See how it sticks to my panties?"
"blood is coming out from inside your body through an opening between your legs" (you'll hear this one over and over and over and....)
"Mom! I put on a pad!"

Nothing like repitition to drive a point home!

Link to The Calm Dreariness via MeFi

Speed Bump

Close to Home

Today's "Close To Home" cartoon by John McPherson

Twisted valentine cards

link via Boing Boing

youyesyou.net has some interesting Valentines Day cards you can print out and give to your (in)significant other.

Now that's one mad cow!

Link via Regressing at its finest

WARNING! Not work safe!

Mad Cow

Hooked on crack?

Alternative Fuel?

Testicle Theater

link from Amorous Propensities: Sex is funny

The man, who calls himself “Sackie Gleason,” runs a website called testicletheater.com, where he puts his testes to the test by dressing them up in costumes and making them act out scenes from “Macbeth, Enter The Dragon” and “Thelma And Louise.”

link to original story: Ballsy Man Testing Acting Boundaries

link to website: Testicle Theater

no toilet seats for Christmas!

LONGMONT, Colo. - Gary and Karri Clark haven't forgotten their second Christmas together. He knew she wanted bathroom accessories, so he wrapped up a couple of gifts and waited.

The toilet seat and towel rack didn't go over too well.

"Here I thought I was doing good," he recalled with a laugh. "It was something she can always use, day after day. It's the gift that keeps on giving."

Karri Clark admits she wanted a new toilet seat a decade ago because there was a crack in the old one. She just didn't think she'd get one gift wrapped.

"I could not believe it," she said. "What man gives you a toilet seat for Christmas?"

read the rest of the story on Yahoo!

HipShot

The gift of giving

found on Bob's yer uncle:

Dear All,

I don't normally make a habit of forwarding charity e-mails, but this
seemed to be a particularly good cause. I know it touched me personally. Particularly at this time of year.

Mute Tourettes Syndrome has long been in the shadow of its more famous sister-disease, 'Tourettes Syndrome', and although much rarer, is even more tragic in its consequences.

While a child suffering from Tourettes has difficulty in containing its anger and frustration, a child with Mute Tourettes suffers the opposite fate, and is unable to express their true feelings.

There is, however, an answer. A great deal has been achieved by the Mute Tourettes Foundation using new art therapy techniques. However, their work can only continue with your help. Just £1.37p will keep a child supplied with crayons for a whole day. £5 will provide them with enough paper for a week.

Please give what you can to help this deserving cause.

(see attached)

For sale on ebay

Scott found this on ebay and sent me the link. It's reposted here in it's completeness so it doesn't go away after the sale...think maybe this guy's a little bitter? (although, frankly, after reading my post from last night about stupid vs ignorant people, maybe I am too)

Ebay link

bike-pusher writes:

YOU are bidding on the rolling chassis for a Honda CB500T, 1978 vintage.

The CB500T was possibly one of the nastiest Honda twins ever made, coupling excruciating vibration, lousy handling and a horrendous engine in an unholy union of incompetent engineering. So the chassis isn’t worth talking about.

Viewers will see this, but because there are so many people on Ebay who appear devoid of functioning eyes and brain, I shall point it out, in words of one syllable. This is for the benefit of those mental defectives who’ve just found out how to turn the doorknob the right way to escape from their remedial classes:

THIS BIKE DOES NOT GO. IT DOES NOT RUN.

The lack of engine is a clue. Ditto the lack of any fuel tank, a seat, exhausts, ignition system and anything else usually associated with an internal combustion engine and forward motion. Even freewheeling it will be fraught with excitement, because it hasn’t got a front brake either. See? Nor handlebars, so steering it will be an adventure. A frame, forks, pair of wheels, and a few odds and sods, and what you see in the pic (try http://www.chateau.murray.dsl.pipex.com/CB500Twreck.jpg if you want) is your lot.

Now, I’ve got a bit tired of the decerebrated turnips that bid on Ebay, as perusal of the old C90 that I sold (item no. 2442354423) will show. Possession of a powerful computer is no substitute for a working brain. Only the other week I was sitting beside an American female in a business centre in a Chilean hotel, as she tried to connect to her Yahoo messager that normally pops up on her screen at home. Needless to say, it didn’t there. I suggested she try her Yahoo email, and she asked how to find that. So I told her to go to yahoo.com and watched as she added an extra w to the www, no dot and an extra c in com.

And then she called the hotel girl over and complained to her she’d forgotten her Yahoo password, and could she help? The girls's face was a picture. I have no idea what: "You complete imbecile!" is in Spanish, but I can mime it now. At this point I left them to it. And these people have Ebay accounts…… terrifying, isn’t it? So anyone I consider particularly bereft of clue will have their bids cancelled.

Then there are the people who screw up in their bidding, by bidding £111 instead of £11. A tip: if you suffer from Parkinson’s Disease, don’t bid on Ebay. And instead of retracting the bid, they send me damn stupid long-winded, illiterate and nonsensical emails (the sort of thing that, on paper, would be written in purple crayon with LoTs oF rAndoM CApITaL LeTters). Same applies.

Then there are the people who bid just to see what happens. They've no intention of buying: they just bid to see the numbers change and their name on the screen. These are the sort of people who'd bang lumps of plutonium together because they've heard it makes a pretty spark. Ebay's infested with the sods.

So what is this heap good for? Beats the hell out of me. For the last two years it has been used as a ground anchor for my trailer. That’s right, I’ve kept it because it’s just a large heavy lump of pig iron that prevents something rather more valuable[1] being stolen. You may find a better use for it, but I never have.

I’m installing a proper ground anchor for the trailer and was going to throw this heap away, but it occurred to me that if some lunatic was prepared to pay £41 for the C90 mentioned above, then I might (a) get some cash and (b) save myself the trouble of carting it down to the dump. There are mental defectives on Ebay who will pay for anything. Finding someone prepared to pay for that C90 was like finding someone willing to hand over cash in exchange for mud. So someone might want to buy this derelict example of Japanese industrial archaeology.

Starting price is 99p. Buyer collects by the end of December 2003. I can deliver, but I'll charge 50p/mile, each way, so you don't have to be Stephen Hawking to work out that if you live 25 miles away it'll cost £25, but as ever, this ad has to cater to the lowest forms of intelligent life in the Great Ebay Universe, so there: I've spelled it out. Oh, and for the real thickos, look at the "location" tag. I'm in south-west London. Nowhere near, for example, Glasgow.

What’s intriguing is that the main frame tube has been welded up, just aft of the engine top mount, and painted with red lead. This implies either that it cracked through vibration, or that someone thought of chopping the frame and changed his mind, or that somebody wanted to try the angle grinder and welding torch he got for Christmas. But the wheel hubs are OK. The back wheel is the same as for the CB550, and they have a reputation for cracking their hubs. This one’s fine, if you have a CB550 with a cracked hub. There are some primitive electrical components still on it, but don’t ask me if they work because even Edison would consider it too much hassle. Amazingly, I have a valid registration document for it.

Zero feedback bidders I’d prefer to email me with their contact details, or run the risk of Planet Earth’s Neutronic Bid Zapper cancelling their bids. The feckwits who ask all sort of dim questions will be treated harshly. WYSIWYG. Planet Earth's Alien Feedback Division will deal ruthlessly with any NPBs. Beep.

[1] Like a child's plastic tricycle.

(Dateline 4 hours after auction start). Christ, so it begins. No, the SuperSoaker isn't included. Nor the plastic bowl, spare wheel for my trailer or indeed the wall behind the wreck, which is in fact the side of my house.

Decerebrated Turnip merchandise! Click the link below

http://www.cafeshops.com/bikepusher

On 15-Dec-03 at 17:17:58 GMT, seller added the following information:

And, blinking as their dulled reflexes try to cope with the light, and their rudimentary nervous systems try to make sense of the complexities of an on-line auction, out they come.... the first bidder is in the US of A.

On 16-Dec-03 at 09:46:39 GMT, seller added the following information:

Look, people, I've had emails from people saying they're bidding, and intend to honour the bids for the laughs they've had, but have no intention of actually taking possession of this valuable collector's piece. Fine, thanks, and I'll raise the glass of beer your bid pays for to your health, but if I just wanted the cash I'd put up an auction saying "Send me money now!" and rely on the mental bottom-feeders of Ebay to go: "Coo, I think I'll bid on that...". In other words, I really do want somebody to pay me and take this thing away. Optimistic and under the terms of this auction, unenforceable, but there must be someone out there who actually wants it.

On 16-Dec-03 at 10:21:36 GMT, seller added the following information:

Guess what? One of our cats has just pissed on it. Honest. Buyer to bring rubber gloves. Oh, and if you find this fair and honest attack on Ebay's more intellectually challenged members amusing, and you really want to show your appreciation, you can click on the cafeshops link above and buy a crappy mug or Tshirt. Better than bidding a fiver and leaving me still in possession of this thing.

On 16-Dec-03 at 18:50:21 GMT, seller added the following information:

Ooooh, wasn't welt2 a clever little bunny, bidding when he's in Australia? If you'd emailed me to say you were serious, welt2, I might have left the bid up, but with zero feedback you've just proved yourself to be one of the turnips. And there your bids go, vapourised... Zappp!

On 16-Dec-03 at 20:41:29 GMT, seller added the following information:

And they come crawling out of the woodwork. You block his bids and you get an email: "Well aren't you a miserable pr*ck." Nope, I'm not, I'm a good-natured soul (see, I even edited your obscenity), but if anyone's a pr*ck it's a zero feedback-rated ebayer in Australia who's only bidding to waste my time. Now, does anyone else want to see their name in lights?

On 17-Dec-03 at 07:13:17 GMT, seller added the following information:

Oh Good God. Ebayers, meet g4-gertje. g4-gertje, meet the sharp end of my keyboard. g4-gertje wants to know if I'll just sell the indicator brackets for some project bike he has. g4-gertje is in Belgium and thus separated from me by a few hundred miles, the English Channel and, I suspect, several dozen IQ points. Does this auction say: "will flog off minute components bit by bit"? NO! It's a damned auction. Buy the whole thing or nothing at all. I mean, the winning bidder (who I notice has a feedback of 1 and is teetering on the edge of Bid Cancel Canyon, might want them as well. Unlikely, but can you imagine actually winning this pile of crap and finding that the one component you want from it has been sold?

On 17-Dec-03 at 19:03:50 GMT, seller added the following information:

My, aren't there some clever little mammals on Ebay? Quite apart from the hundreds of would-be comedians who are asking "How much for the SuperSoaker?", thereby proving that, yes, they have the visual acuity of, and can read web pages about as well as, a one-eyed rhinoceros peering through the wrong end of a telescope, there are the timewasting bidders. All sellers get plagued by these, and meowmix3001 has now just been pushed over the edge of Bid Cancel Canyon. Fortunately he (this type is invariably male) landed on his head, so no vital organs were damaged. What's the joke, meowmix3001? Does being 4000 miles away make it OK to waste people's time? How many other Ebay items have you bid on, with no intention of buying? I bet the other bidders are now crapping themselves - you may think you're safe, several bids down the ladder, but if I cancel more bids your own will be dragged into the light. And trust me, I will insist on payment or the alternative of very negative feedback and an NPB filing......

Uranus is gassy

According to astronomers, Uranus is gassy.

Don't they proofread or read aloud these headlines before they print them? Or, maybe they do?! :-)

Link via SoBlo

Where do ice cream cones come from?

Uhhh...I don't understand....Why!? Merciful Heavens!

found on Metafilter:

sheep pushing

From the comments of the post:

It is a dutch advertisement for Clearasil, the anti-zit cream, and the hook is supposedly a combination of word-play and a belief that rubbing against sheep's somethings heals zits.

And, don't forget these:
Clown & Horse
Elephant

"Pooing" in public and the stigma attached

... When I was a kid, no-one really explained to me about pooing. Consequently I grew up thinking it was something only I did. Some weird form of punishment from God for my share of original sin. So I'd hoard my poos for days. It's called constipation, and I was a religious victim of it. It took me into my 20s before I could actually get my pooing straight. And it was too late for one particular loo, which felt, along with me, the wrath of God.

...

So I developed a good strategy. Poo on the early shift. If you were on the early shift, you were the only reporter in, between 7am and 8am. Excellent clear run on the defecation front. I guess this must have been my first early shift in a while, as I clearly had an urgent need to do a fair amount of business. I crept into the loo and managed a whole Rosary while expelling the monster. Not that I looked at it, oh no, one didn't look at one's poo. One gave thanks to God it had gone, flushed in a businesslike manner and left promptly.

So far so good, except this time, after flushing and washing my hands, I noticed water seeping under the door of the cubicle I'd been in. Shit! Literally. I went back in and found that the sinful waste product I'd given up to God, was having a bit of trouble finding it's way back to heaven. It was so enormous due to my zealous hoarding that it had blocked the loo. And the loo had backed up. And it was now 7.30am and that stupid cow R who was always sucking up to news desk by getting in early was due any second, and she always went straight to the loo to wash her hands. She was odd like that.

visit Eurotrash to read the rest. The comments on the entry are well worth the read, too!

What happens when you have...

1) nothing to do
2) a sharp knife
3) a large lime
4) a patient cat
5) too much tequila
and
6) it's football season?

Supreme Court says no to nativity scene in Washington

The Supreme Court ruled there cannot be a nativity scene in Washington, DC this Christmas.

This isn't for any religious or constitutional reason, they simply have not been able to find three wise men and a virgin in the nation's capitol.

However, there was no problem finding enough asses to fill the stable

Michael Jackson on the run!

Clay Aiken - Neutered?

Metafilter's got a link to one of the new PETA ads featuring Triumph The Insult Dog.

“Get Neutered—It Didn’t Hurt Clay Aiken,” snips Triumph the Insult Comic Dog in a new PETA ad aimed at the widespread problem of dog and cat overpopulation. The foulmouthed-but lovable-dog puppet is best known as a regular guest on Late Night With Conan O'Brien. In his PETA ad, Triumph wears a “post-surgery” Elizabethan collar and chomps on his trademark cigar as he takes aim at the high-ranging American Idol contestant.

You can buy Triumph's new CD and DVD Come Poop With Me

Or, you can poop on your favorite (or not so favorite) webites with Triumph here

UPDATE: looks like PETA pulled the ad from their website, but here's a copy of the press release:

TRIUMPH THE INSULT COMIC DOG DUMPS ON CLAY AIKEN IN PETA’S NEW PRO-NEUTER AD

For Immediate Release:
November 12, 2003

Contact:
Michael McGraw 757-622-7382

New York — "Get Neutered—It Didn’t Hurt Clay Aiken," snips Triumph the Insult Comic Dog in a new PETA ad aimed at the widespread problem of dog and cat overpopulation. The foulmouthed—but lovable—dog puppet is best known as a regular guest on Late Night With Conan O’Brien. In his PETA ad, Triumph wears a "post-surgery" Elizabethan collar and chomps on his trademark cigar as he takes aim at the high-ranging American Idol contestant.

Triumph—whose new CD/DVD Come Poop With Me has just been released—might crack a lot of jokes about parting with his private parts, but there’s nothing funny about the consequences of not having cats and dogs spayed or neutered. Animal shelters are bursting at the seams with homeless dogs and cats, many of whom must be put to death because suitable homes cannot be found. Spaying and neutering saves lives and is the most important thing that companion-animal guardians can do to help dogs and cats. By preventing animals from being born and subsequently abandoned or given away to irresponsible people, spaying and neutering prevents needless suffering and death.

Furthermore, sterilized dogs and cats are healthier. Neutered males often make for more compatible companions and cannot develop testicular cancer, and spayed females have a significantly lower risk of mammary cancer and no possibility of developing ovarian cancer.

"Triumph’s big mouth may rub some people the wrong way, but his message in our new spay/neuter ad is right on the money," says PETA Director Daphna Nachminovitch. "It’s a case where a ‘stitch in time saves nine’—or 90—unwanted animals from a life of misery."

PETA chose to target Clay Aiken because he recently told Rolling Stone, "I think cats are Satan. There’s nothing worse to me than a house cat. When I was about 16, I had a kitten and ran over it." PETA deals with dozens of cases of cruelty to cats every week and knows firsthand how damaging statements like this can be—impressionable kids often mimic what their "idols" do. Aiken never responded when PETA wrote to him.

For more information, please visit PETA’s Web site HelpingAnimals.com.

And, I found a picture of the ad!

arrests made

At New York's Kennedy Airport today, an individual later discovered to
be a public school teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while
in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square and a calculator.

Authorities believe he is a member of the notorious al-Gebra movement.

He is being charged with carrying weapons of math instruction

Biker Chicks

Credit Card Pranks

Before anybody gets excited, no, there is no credit card hacking information here!

from RandomThoughts: Credit Card Pranks

In my lifetime, I have made nearly 15,000 credit card transactions. I purchase almost everything on plastic. What bugs me about credit card transactions is the signing. Who checks the signature? Nobody checks the signature.

Credit card signatures are a useless mechanism designed to make you feel safe, like airport security checks. So my question was, how crazy would I have to make my signature before someone would actually notice? Here is the actual signature on my credit card:

..

You can see that I already have the signature of a monkey on crack. Here is the way it looks when I don't have to sign in a space one-quarter of an inch high:

..

I am an arteest, and my signature must reflect that. But how arteestic could I get before someone will notice?

Fetish of Woman's Fart

OK, so this site just goes to show you that there is literally a fetish for everything! And, as an added bonus, it's in Engrish too!

Most of all women hardly farts in public usually. So do you want to watch, to listen woman's farts don't you?? This site is for who feel beautifully and love women's farts. Please enjoy this site slowly.. of course, welcome women,please enter here.

Don't touch my computer!

The Bulldog Movie

Flash required, contains male nudity!

Just remember, when walking through your house with no clothes on and somebody yells "Don't touch my computer" at you, then for Jiminy's sake, DON'T TOUCH THEIR COMPUTER